Currently Listening Rent (2005 Movie Soundtrack) see related

I feel better than I have in a long time.  And worse.  On Kendra's advice I sat down and talked with Alec about what had made our relationship work, what changed, and why it ended.  I had also been led to believe that we had a very good chance of getting back together once he figured something out.  I know now how much of a chance we really  have and what it would take for it to happen.  I don't think it will.  We broke up because we believe different things when it comes to our faith.  I believe that Jesus is the only way to heaven and a right relationship with God.  I believe that the Bible is the infallible and perfect Word of God.  I can say that I am going to heaven when I die and be sure of it.  I have no doubt.  I know it for a fact!  I also know that some of my friends are not.  They don't believe in Jesus.  He is the only way.  Alec believes that he is going to heaven because he believes in Jesus.  But our Jewish friend is going to heaven because he is one of God's chosen people.  Our friends who are athiests or agnostics are going to heaven because they are good people and God will be merciful to them.  Who is to say that Jesus is the only way?  That is up to God to decide, not any of us.  Besides, it doesn't make him feel any better about himself and his friends to think that they won't go to heaven.  No one can really be sure they are going anyway.  It's all up to God.  Also, there are a lot of grey areas in the Bible.  You can't just blindly believe anything you read.  You have to leave room for human error.  You just take the parts that make sense to you and throw away the rest as mistakes.  Mistranslations and copies made with errors.  If it goes against what you believe in that part then don't take it as true.  It's all about trust in God.  He won't lead you astray.  So rely on what you feel in your heart to be true.  It is just a religion anyway.  All religions/cults/whatever have some truth in them.  And all of them have falsehoods.  You pick the one that is the closest to what you believe and go with it, always taking everything with a grain of salt. 

So as you can see, there are some definite problems.  This is why we broke up.  Once I realized what he believed on some of this, I was hoping that by talking to him maybe he would see the truth.  What he saw was me wanting someone other than the guy I had.  Either a different guy all together, or for him to change.  He was right.  I wanted him to change his mind.  He was unhappy because of it.  That is the only reason we didn't work.  He has no other problems with the way we were.  But what a big reason!  This shows me though that no matter what chance he sees us having in the future, there are really only three possibilities.  1) We don't agree, we can't be together.  2) We do agree but he doesn't want to mess with an old relationship.  3) We agree and he wants to give us another try.  I think that IF...and it's a pretty big if...we end up agreeing at some point and he really does want to give it another try I would at least consider it.  As long as I'm not in a relationship at the time (because I think it will be a while before there is even a chance of any change) then I would probably do it.  Because I don't see much chance of that happening though, I'm not going to sit around waiting on him.  I will be here for him if he needs a friend or if he has any questions, but I'll be open to the idea of dating other people.  So like I said, I'm doing good, but I'm miserable.  I hate the thought that it will probably never happen, but there is so little chance of it working out that I'm not going to bet my life on it.  He will move on and so will I.  And one day if it does work out, I'll know that all this was so that the truth would be found and shared by us both.  Until then, I'll pray.  If he isn't the one for me then just imagine how much more amazing that man will be!  I can't wait to meet him!  And for now I will give my heart to God and trust that He will take care of me and bring healing to my soul.  I will find my joy in the Lord!

Currently Reading Captivating : Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul By John Eldredge, Stasi Eldredge see related

Wow it's been a while since I've been on here!  I guess I just needed a place to vent and this seemed like a good place to do it.  Plus, I don't really have a lot of Christian friends here that I can talk to (and I lost one of them in a way) so this gives me a chance to talk to people who will understand my perspective. 

So...I've finally had my heart broken.  I thought I knew what it was like but I didn't.  I had been in relationships before.  Three of them!  Surely I knew how hard it could be to end one.  It's different when you really fall in love though.  I know now that I didn't those first three times.  It's also different when he ends it instead of you.

Since anyone reading this will probably have no idea what has happened to me since at least this summer, let me recap a bit. 

I came home last May thinking I would not really have any friends here.  I did know a few people at church, but not very well.  I had a couple of other friends, but not many and with the exception of one, not very close either.  One of those friend though had met a whole new group of people since I had last talked to him.  He introduced me to them and I have been hanging out multipul times a week with them since late May/early June.  One of them is named Alec.  As you may have guessed, he is the one I dated.  We got together on August 14th.  We dated for almost four months.  I have never been as happy as I was during our relationship.  Especially the first month or so of it.  I really thought I had found the man I was going to marry.  I wasn't in a hurry or anything, but I thought that in a couple of years maybe it would happen.  It was also the first time I wasn't afraid of the idea.  I think that in my other relationships I was the one that was most afraid of the idea of getting married.  I wasn't ready.  Something didn't seem right.  This time it did.  I had found someone who was not only everything I had wanted and dreamed of, but so much more.  I felt like I was living a dream.  He was perfect.

Now I guess I've woken up.  In more than one way.  I'm not in that happy dream life anymore, but I also see things that I didn't see before in our relationship.  I found out toward the end that he doesn't believe the same things I believe when it comes to our faith.  And not just little things.  I knew going in that there would be little ones.  He was raised in both Catholic and Protestant churches.  I had talked to him enough to make sure in my mind that he was saved, but no more really.   I found out that he believes that Jesus isn't the only way to heaven, in fact, he believes that our friends who don't believe in a God at all are going to heaven as well.  When asked why, he replied that it doesn't make him feel good to think that they aren't.  He takes the parts of the Bible that he likes and ignores the parts he doesn't like.  That's what you do with a religion, take the parts that suit you.  It is only important how you live your life, not what you believe.  He is mixed up on a lot of things.  I had no idea of this at the start of course or the relationship would not have happened.  I would have known that it had no chance of working.  I do think he has it right in his own head as far as why he is saved.  I just think he is mixed up on how a person in general is saved.  I don't think he is interested in growing in his faith either.  It kills me too.  I care about him more than anything!  I want him to be all that God intended for him to be!  I know he is capable of so much!  He affects everyone he meets.  He jokingly says there are two kinds of people in the world, those who love him and those who haven't met him yet.  It is so close to being true!  Almost all of our friends consider him their best friend.  He could do so much for the kingdom of God if he would only try!  But he is happy where he is.  (Well sort of.) One of the reasons we broke up was because he was not happy with something in his life (not me he said) and didn't know what it was.  I think that God was trying to get his attention.  I think He wanted to get Alec to deepen his relationship with Him.  I gave him my copy of "Wild at Heart" a while ago but he hasn't read it as far as I know.  I hope he will.  I know that "Captivating" changed my life!  My relationship with God had never been this deep!  I just see life in a different way.  All of the guys I have heard talk about "Wild at Heart" say the same for it.  I guess I just don't know what to do at this point.  I've never been in this situation before and I don't know how to heal from it or how to progress with Alec as just a friend.  If anyone does read this I pray they will offer me the best advice they can and please pray for me and for Alec and all the others in the group I'm in.  I have so many people in my life right now that need God and I'm the only person who is trying to reach out to some of them.  I can use all the prayer I can get!  Thank you for listening to me and for your prayers.